I first became aware of the practice of getting rid of customers when I was a child. My dad owned a bike shop and dealt with impossible-to-please patrons by telling them to exit the premises and not bump the door with their hind regions on the way out. The bike business was never all that robust, so when I heard the expression "The customer is always right," I thought that whoever came up with it needed to talk to Dad (and watch out for the door). Little did I know that my father was a retail pioneer, further ahead of his time than Captain Kirk.

My first job outside the bike shop was with a retail store, where corporate policy dictated that we be nice to everyone. We would ask a person to remove himself from our customer population only if we caught him trying to stuff a leather jacket down his pants. The job I had after that was even worse. I worked for a public utility, where, by law, we had to be polite to all manner of deadbeats, liars, and jerks. And those were just our middle managers. People who so carelessly used our natural gas product that they blew out the walls in their kitchen remained our valued customers as long as they remained breathing.

So it is good to remember, with this talk of "lifetime value of customers," that there is also something to be said for the death-time value of a customer. Companies have begun combining Dad's "beat it" attitude with CRM software to make getting rid of customers a practice to be proud of. What does it take to be a best-in-class customer cutter? Technology is important, of course, but convincing customers to never come back is still one of those areas where the human touch is vital. Here are some ways your employees can help you run off undesirables:

Indifference. Being put on hold for long periods of time is a sure-fire dissatisfier, but it doesn't compare with having a live employee ignore unwanted clientele. Once your CRM software identifies a customer whose death time has come, an employee can take over and make sure that the customer knows that she might as well be a ghost, so ignored is she when she literally begs for service.

Blame the customer. Sometimes indifference isn't enough to turn a customer into a former customer. (Self-service often precludes the indifference option.) If that's the case, many companies find it valuable to blame the customer. Here's how this technique typically works: A customer buys something from you; the product fails or performs unsatisfactorily; and the customer brings the product back, looking for satisfaction. Instruct your customer-contact personnel to blame the customer for a poor choice of product or for being too cheap to buy something that would actually work. Expert employees can add a sneer or a condescending tone to their voice to really make this technique shine.

Ask away. Consumers are accustomed to companies and retailers asking them for their address, phone number, ZIP code, and the like. A little bit of this is merely an annoyance, but a lot used on customers you no longer want to be customers can work wonders. Personal questions are particularly effective: Do you have any toenail fungi? Have you ever had intimate relations outside your species? Have you bathed or showered within the last month? Are you interested in our remedial dental services?

Yes, an offended customer is well on his way to being a former customer. If even this method is ineffective, however, I recommend the phrase about not letting the door hit your hind region on the way out. Worked for Dad.

Dan Danbom writes humor for a number of publications. His latest book is "Humor Meets Your Workforce: Make Laughter One of Your Organization's Goals."